Hawaii - Drinks and A Brief Bar Rant

Good drinks are Tropical Itch and Mai Tai. But the best deals are found in the decent liquor prices. $3-$5 Grey Goose, JD, Crown, all over town. Unfortunately for the tourists, they overcharge on the tropical drinks. Considering you have plenty of douchebags that want to get into fights over ugly girls that nobody has a chance with anyways because, HELLO, she's married and with her husband, I think bars are pretty safe with their pricing schemes. "There's money to be made in a town like this."

Bet you can't name the quote...

The Weather in DC Compared to Other Places

Look...I don't have a picture of the DC Metro area at the very moment...but there is absolutely NO WAY it can look like this:

Weird

I was looking for a good pic for the website, so I typed "rant" into Google...this pic came up...weird...

Consultant Speak - How We Talk on a Daily Basis

This is how we talk in the world of consulting. It makes me ill. Who in their right mind would talk like this?? As I think of more items, we'll come out with new lists...

• Low Hanging Fruit
• Touch Base
• Thinking Outside of the Box
• Ramp Up
• Strategize
• Reengineer
• Mission-Critical
• Holistic
• Value-added
• Enterprise-wide
• Transformation
• Framework
• Organizational DNA
• Lean Six Sigma
• Master Black Belt
• Slick Sheets
  

Dumb People at Whole Foods

With the start of the new year, I am pretty much down on life in general. While I may genuinely be bummed out from time to time, I usually end up hopping out of the dumps and just end up getting bitter at the people and things around me. Yesterday was a day where my cup runneth over and left me with a salty taste at how utterly slow and useless people are sometimes.

I ended up waltzing on down to Whole Foods in search of some food for last night and the rest of the week. Almost immediately it hit me that people are fairly stupid. The parking lot is always a mess there. Its too small for the crowd of people they get, no doubt. But the idiots that are driving (DC Drivers...soon to be another rant...stay tuned) are lacking common sense. The line to pull in to the lot is 10 cars deep. Call me crazy, but if I'm waiting in a line of traffic, stopped to get into a silly parking lot...and there is a parking garage directly across the street from said Whole Foods parking lot...I'd hop my ass right into the garage. But, since I live across the street, I'm walking anyways.

Now comes the fun part…actually maneuvering inside the store…what the hell is it with people at Whole Foods and the desire to stop all movement the second you set foot in the store? I mean, ok...get your bearings...but MOVE YOUR ASS! There are actually people waiting to get inside while you just stand there like a lost child in a shopping mall.

After you actually get inside for the shopping, the Clarendon Whole Foods is actually quite nice. Lots of nice things to choose from…all overpriced and very unnecessary for everyday sustenance. I pick up some gnocchi to start…no problem. They actually had the regular potato gnocchi in stock so I was very happy to see this. Off I went to pick up some chicken to grill on my silly new Foreman Grill and mix in with my gnocchi…(yeah, Hulk Hogan was a genius to pass on that idea…George Foreman’s only made what, a bazillion dollars on that thing?) So I’m there waiting for people to make their choices of the pre-packaged meats…and waiting…and waiting. People…you have a fairly simple choice here. Chicken, Pork, Lamb, Beef…maybe some Venison or Buffalo…there are different cuts, you pick up a package…maybe choose between one or two and move along. What the hell is the point or productive reason to stand there and do absolutely nothing whilst 2-3 people wait for you to make up your mind about a meat you most likely already expected to buy before you walked into the store??

It is rather late and I don’t feel like really making anything…planning on saving my food purchases for later in the week anyways, so I move along to the hot bar for a quick meal tonight. Pretty simple concept, you pick your food, plop it in your container, and move along. Nope…again…another slow poke doing God knows what with his food selection…Ugh! I start to fill my container and it strikes me as silly that for a section with items priced on solely on weight, there is no actual scale to check how much you actually have. Weird…I don’t know…maybe this would be something people might find useful.

I go to checkout, which moves quickly ever since they finished remodeling and again am faced with the question I get every time without fail…”Oh this is a new bag?” No, I bought the bag 6 months ago when I paid $30 for it (with the proceeds going to feed hungry children). Why do you have to ask me every single time I shop here, probably 4-5 times a week, if I’m buying a new bag? I don’t even see where you can buy the bags before getting past the counter anyways…so is it really necessary to ask? I mean I don’t really care that much…just makes me shake my head that it happens every time. I am then truly amazed to find out I’ve filled my hot bar container with exactly 1.00 lbs of food. I think this might be some sort of record. My shopping experience is complete.

Point of the Story, you ask? There really isn’t one…just don’t drive to Whole Foods or plan on stepping up to make a purchase until you actually know what you want…have some respect for those that have actually shopped before.

Bad Dates

I felt the need for another post today and couldn't think of a quick hit topic...but then after just seeing a list of potential Oscar nominations, a wave of inspiration hit me and the following flew out.

Unfortunately there is this silly thing called dating that we must all go through. Some of the time the dates go great, sparks fly, romance is kindled, etc etc. Sometimes the dates aren’t anything to write home about but aren't horrible either. But then there are the crème de la crème…the bad ones. I figured I could write down two bad dates that I’ve recently had for your reading pleasure.

Dec 2008 – This one was this past December and definitely disappointing. I had gone out with this girl once before and had a pretty decent time, we'd texted, chatted, and emailed some and I was actually looking forward to a second date. And when I found out the second date she wanted to go on was to see a special invitation-only preview of the new Frost/Nixon movie (Oscar buzz) with special guest Ron Howard and others involved in the film, I thought it pretty friggin awesome! Not so fast my friend. After a very short time I was pretty much dying for the movie to roll. I understand you’re in PR and this is a pretty impressive gig, but I have no clue what you are going on and on about nor am I interested in your stories of people I should supposedly be impressed by. Oh and a small piece of advice…brush your teeth please. I could seriously smell her breath from the next seat, and it wasn’t just stale…it was RANK. Anyways, I was more interested in texting other people than actually speaking to my date. By the time the movie (which was awesome) and the panel discussion (which was excellent) were over I needed a drink...to which she agreed. I figured I owed her that much for the sweet gig she got me into and maybe we both just needed to chill a bit…of course then I proceeded to get 45 minutes of boring “I’ve met this famous person and that famous person” nonsense. That’s cool and all, I mean I'm no stranger to fame myself...I once had former Heavyweight champ Lennox Lewis use the urinal next to me in the Philadelphia airport (true story!)…but how about we talk about something that is either thought provoking or maybe still interesting after 5 minutes. I was annoyed and tired by the end and I definitely pulled the ultimate chick move...gave her the cheek when she went in for the lips…SUCKER!

Aug/Sept 2008 – I blame myself for letting this one get out of hand. Met a girl at Liberty Tavern, a decent Clarendon bar, for some nice beverages and food. Zero sense of humor, particularly for my own brand of dry humor, which is unique to say the least. Well I decided to at least give it some time…but it quickly drains my willpower. I mean she had nothing…no interesting stories about herself, no interesting stories about somebody she knows, no interesting stories about anything, ZERO, ZIP. So blah, blah, blah, we finish up drinks and an appetizer after 3 hours (WTF?!). I’ve been watching the clock from pretty much the start, so I’m SUPER psyched to leave. As always I open my very big, very dumb mouth, simply being polite since I only assumed she was as bored as I was, and said “well that was great…care to go somewhere else or call it a night?” As soon as I even offered that up, I regretted saying it. Another hour+ of torture and boredom at another bar as I wondered who could possibly ever deal with this. Finally I resorted to lying, which I really, really hate doing even with a minor lie (Lying! I smell a future Rant topic!). I said something about having a lot of work in the morning and that I’d walk her to her car. Pretty sure she got the hint then since I picked up the pace to her car, gave her a quick peck and a thanks and hauled ass when she was in her vehicle. God it gives me shivers…I believe the final runtime on that date was about 4 hours???? SHOOT ME.

Moral of the story: I should just be more of an asshole from the start instead of waiting until people actually get to know me...

Upcoming Posts

I'm not just going to post rants on this site...random thoughts, lists, and humor (which more often than not is only funny to me) will all play a role in my posts. Here are some of the goodies currently in the works:

Please suggest further topics as I can only come up with so many brilliant ideas...

Miscellaneous

• A girl story or two - have a funny one from college I've been noodling that I may share, one from a pink party that is worthy of a chuckle, a halfway decent one from this past fall involving a mental girl and the nutty bet she made and plenty more beyond that
  
• Various Lists - Good Movies, Best Pickup Lines (best meaning worst), Favorite Drinks, etc.
• Might need to counter the hate-filled Ron Francis post with a Brian Trottier "good guy" post...or with my other "good guy" tale of meeting a rookie Dermontti Dawson (former Steeler center and certain Hall of Famer) at the Monroeville Mall...why not both?
  

Rants

• DC Drivers/Traffic
• Top 10 Ways to Know You Are A Federal Employee
• Conference Calls
• Consulting - An Insider's View

Looks Like Soccer Players Have Rants Too...

Kameni is seriously quoted as saying to this fan "What's the matter...Do you want to DIE?!" Couldn't make that up.

Rant #2 - The Ron Francis Story

This is a story from my childhood about a certain douchebag player, Ron Francis. When the Penguins won their Stanley Cups, he played an integral role in bringing the Cup to the city of Pittsburgh. Picked up in a late season trade, without him, things probably wouldn't have turned out the same.

After the Pens won their 2nd Cup, the team held what I believe was their 2nd annual Fan Appreciation Day at the Civic Arena. They had some of the best players on the team sit down for autograph sessions with the fans. Basically you would get in line...stand there for 2 hours...get an autograph or two...then get in line again for the next set of players coming up after the ones you just got. Might seem a little much nowadays, but back then, it was a pretty big deal.

So here I am with my cousin Bob, a complete autograph hound. I mean he used to go to the baseball games 7 hours before the opening pitch to hound players for autographs as they pulled into the stadium. Every now and again I went with him for lack of better things to do...I once even saw Jay Bell come within an RCH of running over some stupid kid that jumped in front of his car...but I digress. Fan appreciation day was just a cool little event where you could buy stuff, have fun doing random team related activities, and get these damn players' autographs.

Because Ron Francis was one of the bigger names to sign anything, the line was PACKED to get him. So Cousin Bob and I hopped into line and began the long, boring process of just staring at each other until you finally got up to get your autographs. We had everything ready to go...prepped with our own Sharpies for him to use in case their pens were retarded from all the signing they had to do...and of course we brought one item to get signed as the rules specificially stipulated "ONLY ONE ITEM PER PLAYER." Bob and I both had a card for him to sign. My card was an 1991-1992 Upper Deck (see picture). This was a great card, not only because Upper Deck was one of the premier card makers at the time, but because there it was in all its glory...the Stanley Cup.

So Bob and I proceed to wait in line...and wait...and wait. Now my cousin was round about the young adult, late high school/early college age at this time and of course was preoccupied, as all men are for the rest of their lives, about finding young, nubile women. And while you might think that this being a hockey event, it would be lacking creatures of such qualities...but, seeing as this was Pittsburgh, a town known to idolize its sports heroes, there were plenty of young ladies about and in line. So my cousin used his time wisely, being good at the art of the gab, and talked up every pretty Miss Thang he laid his eyes on. If I'm not mistaken he actually scored a couple sets of digits that day...true story.

So after 2+ hours of waiting in line...the moment of truth arrives. I believe there were two players signing for each session...I want to say the first one before Mr. Assface Francis was Paul Stanton...but don't hold me to that. The first autograph, no problem..."Thanks for your support...are you having a good time?," signs my card and on I move down to Ron Francis. I nervously whip out my Upper Deck card...anxiously awaiting having this cockbreath's autograph on this fucking piece of paper. I hand him the card...he takes it, pen at the ready...and says to me those magic words "Oh, I don't sign this." He then grabs a piece-of-shit photocopied paper of his ugly ass face scribbles his name on it and hands it to me. I stand there in disbelief that I had just been duped like this. I'm sorry dickhead...I'm a kid that loves your fucking team...a kid that just waited two fucking hours in line to get your goddamn autograph...and the best you can come up with is "I don't sign this?!?!?!?!" EAT A DICK.

Well after the event was over, I went home. Ran upstairs to my bedroom...take that dickhead's card out of my bag...get up on my desk so that I could reach the Penguins Banner Clock that I had in my room for most of my life...and proceed to impale that son of a bitch on the clock. There he remained until my parents cleaned out my room while I was at college some 8 years later or so.

So the moral to the story? Ron Francis is a dickhead.

Rose Bowl RANT!!

12:06PM - Rose Bowl Celebrations have begun. Still drunk from the previous night, we persevere. Watching "Band of Brothers," which is an amazing series, showing the bravery and just plain awesomeness of our armed forces. Cobalt...in his infinite wisdom, says "I'm shitfaced and my IQ is higher than these dickeheads!"...and he opens another beer.

12:06P - We might be drunk.

7:14PM - We might be drunk.
And....we might be two douchebags. Oh Christ what happened. I don't even know. Penn State is getting STOMPED.

8:15PM - We might be drunk.
Well at least USC showed up for the game.